Thursday, February 12, 2004

Dear E,

The humiliation of living is sometimes too great. Yeah you guessed it by the look in my face, you got it right. I am having one of those days where I fully understand why certain people commit suicide and why others just hold off on it. Those who do end their life a moment too soon are those who conclude life is best not lived if it will hurt so much. Those who hold off on it are no better, it is not that they believe there is a God or that life will shine through someday. Nah they just hold of on it because their suffering is so great that their souls will still hurt even after they are no longer with us.

I understand them, because today I feel like them trying to decide whether to live or die. More in depth though I feel, I have so much to do and so over do to do it. I need to get out and be free, but so much holds me back. But the pain is worse than that of a broken heart. I know, very hard to believe someone such as me would be in so much pain, but I am. I feel like a fish out of water in this world and the next. A huge question mark is what I have become. Loving the wrong people, and not hating those who in me install great pain. And not trying at all, to make my self heard. I totally connect with Kate Winslet's words in Titanic, when she said "I feel in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up". I feel that way today. So dehumanized belittled, unappreciated and unheard. Not to mention that my social life and love life are non existent. Such is Irony, and Destiny.

I think death now. You know why? Easy I am eating and all that could go through my mind is I hope I choke and drop dead. "You are never less alone, than when you are alone" but then what happens when even when you are alone solitude hurts. Danm

7:13 PM

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Dear E,

I just got some bad news today. First I will build to it. Well here it goes. Not that I am a fashion freak or anything, just I think some things must be left alone to delight the eye of the beholder specially hair. And as much as I told my friend leave his alone, for the love of whatever, he went and auto trimmed it, thus ruined the beauty of it. Thank Goodness is not permanent his hair will grow I am sure. In the mean time every time he looks in the mirror he will remember this time, when his hair was just divine.

~Picture Removed~

On a lighter note, nothing is forever, and yeah today is my day to clean my room and think of a good poem to place for the souls mended and the hearts broken this year.

On a heavy note, distance is a heavy tyrant, jester of faith. Is it irony or just plain destiny that anyone that I meet ends up being them plus x number of miles away from me. Oh well. Is life I guess?

11:41 AM

Friday, February 06, 2004

Dear E,

Another day in my life, but in the spirits of the birthdays, someone turned 23 recently, and in all my troubles forgot to tell her, how much better the world is just because she is part of it. I hope I get her name right this time.

Bridgette Marie well girl, I have no idea if there is anything I could say that you have yet to hear. Just to let you know I did remember in mind to wish you the best for the years of life yet to come. I am sure this year will be filled with happiness and sadness as well, but always remember in those dark days that every cloud has a silver lining in it. Of course it is not always apparent but trust that it is there. In the mean time, have a blast on your birthday and if you can, if possible I have one request. That in your birthday you play a favorite of mine. "Keep the Faith". Here is my birthday present for the biggest Jessica Simpson Fan I know. I found it, I thought it would be neat, hope you have not seen it yet, though, being a big a fan as you are I doubt that you have not.

~Jessica Simpson Picture Removed~

Enjoy!!

10:43 AM

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Dear E,

Sometimes it is good to dream idealize and even hope to fly without one's wings. Sometimes though the reality slaps the heck out of you and you stand there just asking yourself questions.

I have one of those days today, it's not always easy to learn and life's lesson is not there staring me in the face. I will see it soon regrettably, but no lesson is ever by choice late perhaps it was my choice not to listen.

I had a moment yesterday that will go, into my great memories archive somewhere in the back of my mind. But as today has begun to fade away I question where a day like that will ever be repeated and weather I really want a re-play.

5:39 PM

Monday, February 02, 2004

Dear E,

I am now one step closer to reaching my dreams, but some how, I feel like I been building dreams in card tower foundation. How to put this lightly, I wish to just sit back and relax at my new found freedom that is steps from me. But past experience has shown me, never to sing victory too soon.

In other things that have to trouble me so, is the fact that spring is still 46 days away; whether "Punxsutawney Phil" decides it or not. Sorry to burst your bubble people.

In other holidays, that I am sure to address when the time comes are the ever so memorable birthdays of Lincoln and Washington and of course a trusty day to celebrate all the founders and successors to our country's office.

Who are undoubtedly, over shadowed by the ever so popular and now over commercialized ”Holiday of Love”.

Let us see what this month brings us. Hoping all the best for all the broken hearted and all the mended souls, may we all see this and all days of the year as positive as our positive ness permits at the time.

11:02 AM

Monday, January 26, 2004

Dear E,

I had this monumental message to deliver this passed Friday, and I ran out of time. So the message has yet to be delivered. I tried getting in to destination on Saturday, and the net played a nasty joke on me, and decided to take a day off. And here I am finally able to say sooth. Yet, even though I am free, my freedom to speak has been short lived. I have decided silence is the best thing, for me.

In conclusion, some things no matter how beautiful, and wonderful, they might sound are best never said.

As for my other discoveries, there has been many. I will start parting ways with cupid, as I see. He is a Jester of many faces, I am eternally grateful to him for turning his gaze to me. Perhaps someday, I will come to terms and agree. Until then, I bid him farewell.

6:01 PM

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Dear E,

I have been away from you longer than I expected. None the less I have not stopped thinking on what to tell you next, what part of my yet exciting life I should fill your voids with.

At first I thought it would be wise not to give you a name or the fact that I am a female, or things like that but I find some people feel better connected knowing those things. So I place them there including with my face for the entire world to see.

And here I am again. Amongst very talkative people, engaging in what they think is important to them.

Just last week or this week I am not sure, I met someone who reminds me a lot of someone who is no longer with us in the physical form, brought back some nice memories of the first person, whom I considered a very good friend. All things seem original about him. Name for one, and I am sure a mountain of other things I have yet to discover.

Entering my poetic being I will leave you something that I wrote some time ago. I wrote it for Mr. Nobody. Sometimes when I think back on it I think that as we grow we do not become more wiser in the contrary, our vision of what is and what should be is somewhat distorted as time goes by and as we get more brain washed by all we see our crystal clarity of a life becomes one huge blur.

And there goes the technology messing this up. By mistake of key or me, it has disappeared; maybe I shall leave you with it some other time.

Until then let me leave you with one last thing

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

Eleanor Roosevelt

2:00 PM

Monday, January 12, 2004

Dear E,

I thought it wise to for once change the letters, since the ones I been using already gotten to me. I will try to abstain from being philosophical today, although I cannot help my self.

Last night I just stretched in the couch and begun my ritual of thinking. I think too much lately it has been about someone I am not sure I should be thinking about in the first place. But in the matters of the heart we cannot tell it what to feel.

Mom, brought some Hamburgers for dinner, and though I am usually a person of good appetite, I could not even finish half of one. It is all because cupid’s arrow has struck me. So I ask, how does one know its love that they are feeling?

Although I have a poets description of love, so I thought about it all night while watching Cops, Forensic Files, and I Detective, (I do my best thinking while in front of a screen or staring up at the heavens) And entering my bad habit of drinking my soda before eating my food. I thought and thought and could only come up with a conclusion to it all.

"It is better to have lived and loved; then never to have loved at all."

10:45 AM

Friday, January 09, 2004

Dear E,

I spent all night wondering about certain things, it was like a brain storm of stuff. How do we judge people? Or how do we form our opinions about them? There are a plethora of things that influence this:

1. Media in all it's representations (e.i. Newscast, Newspaper, Magazine, Radio, Television, and Others)

2. Appearance

3. Pure Gutt

Either way, one always ends up more or less with the idea of another, per say that you came to the conclusion that this TV Entity was a certain something, it would only be because of someone else's conclusions. How is it then that we take everything into account. Appearance, "if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it is a duck". There is also the saying that says, "Appearances can be deceiving". Pure gutt then seems the way to go, advisable only when it's 100% guarranteed to always give you the right answer. But then how do we know what is the right answer. Only by aftermath, and then there comes regret. So what is there to conclude then...

Even in life Isacc Newton's laws of gravity are infornced. "For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction". And in other cultures it could be seen as an image that says it all.

9:10 AM

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Dear Etherial,

Since you will be something like my generic confidant I guess I should fill you in on the basics. I will not give you names for like W.Shakespeare said "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet". I will, however, tell you this much English is not my first language so there might me some mistakes on these pages. But like someone once told me not too long ago. "Spelling matters not if the idea is conveyed". So my only hope is to state the right idea and only time will tell. I will see yah soon.

4:11 PM