Monday, December 11, 2006

There was a time...

There was a time... when you were little and you thought as soon as you grew older the world would be your oyster. Then you reach that age, when you become an adult when your innocence is lost. You find out who Santa is, you learn to be happy, you learn to cry and life goes on.

Somewhere in the middle, however, you question yourself and ask about all your hopes and dreams. Where are they now? Where did you go so wrong, that now everything you are is useless to help get you where you always said you would be by now.

I thought for example, I would be happy engaged have my own place all of the goodies of a balance between having it all and having just enough. My birthday is four months away and I am very certain, that I am very very far away, from where I told myself I'd be at 25.

But there was a time when the world was my oyster, and I could do no wrong. Where everything was perfect and I reached my goals.

Then I woke up, and it was all just a dream that like the night died with the comming of the sun.

9:18 AM

Monday, December 4, 2006

Driving your ego

Current Mood: Pissed Off!

The following is a true story and you can follow the link if you wish. But in case you did not know this by now, some actor on the show "Prison Break" owns an SUV in which his person was in while it was in motion, motion, bad driving and the presence of a tree which caused the death of a 17 year old boy. FYI: The occupants of this car were three teenagers and himself a 26 year old.

More details here STORY...

Now call me crazy, and most of his fans and fans of the show will lash out and say "But he was not driving!". Fine, however, that is not the point and we don't know that yet, (mind the time stamp in case we find out later for sure.)

Now acording to the article they hit a tree, now at this point all I am asking myself, since math is not my strong point, is how fast must they have been going to hit a tree at such a speed that someone is killed and two others injured, one of them critically.

Excuse me for being so predictable, but for someone to register a car they must have a license, and to get that license they must agree to follow traffic rules. And one of those rules is NO SPEEDING! What part of that sentance is far from comprehension?

I am looking at the big picture here, if he was driving this car, then I just wanna know where in hell did he get a license, because to hit a tree and have those consequences you must be speeding. And if he was not the driver, well lets see who in their right mind would lend a car to anyone under the age of 18!! At night no less, on a Saturday of all days!

Now if anyone tells me its okay with a licensed driver in the car, and if the minor has a permit... then let me just say my friend Lioness01's favorite saying, "Common f%$^ing sence."

Now persay if he was driving, who in hells name was he trying to impress driving fast?... those kids?... one of whom is now dead, and one who is critical.

And wouldnt you know it, it is always the irresposible ones that are made of rubber. He has minor injuries.!!!

4:49 AM

Thursday, November 2, 2006

Envy...

Has anyone ever met the person who outright admits to things like hating someone for what they have or what they do or what they have accomplished. Maybe its a secret in voices. Something that everyone knows but no one is willing to admit.

Well let me be the first one to say I have had those moments of extreme envy, where I wish I was not me but them. Is just the feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin and not be who you are for just one moment. I have many of those moments too. I don't spend life in envy mind you just moments that I wish I was on the outside looking in rather than in it looking out.

Sometimes a joke can get me through the day, and that's good and others I make my own grim jokes that go on deaf ears. Yes... Sometimes I think I was meant to do something great beyond belief and then I wake up from daydreaming and look at the bright side. Life always has a bright side, but sometimes is just so difficult to see it.

When you sit and think about all of this, sometimes when your house of cards crumbles at your feet in a sence you were on the outside looking in, which now if you think about it all the leaves you is a feeling of impotency of inability to keep everything from crumbling at your feet.

11:27 AM

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I Love YOU!!!

I know this is going to break alot of hearts out there, but ... Yeah people your girl CC is taken, so taken it would take an eternity to break us apart.

Like Jessica says, "you two are one cute couple" not sure if its exactly that but something like it.

Oh I know guys eat your hearts out I am taken, live with it.

Now should anyone be asking what do I see in him, yet again, just listen to my song on the profile it fits him sooooooo well.

Like I always say there are two sides to ever story, so you think you know but your aint even close.

Like the other half of my heart says to me, "honey! Where are my glasses?" LOL no not that but he does say that, every morning LOL.

*you dirty minded ppl he falls asleep with them on is how they go missing.* Anyways like he alway says to me when I act dumb

"You big bratta" I love when he says that yup yup.

I Love Ian Chase, so all you ladies out there he is "mio mio mio mio" "mine mine mine all mine I tell yah"

7:21 PM

Monday, September 18, 2006

Conversation...

Current Mood: Calm

As far as my ideas go, I have had many, I surprise myself sometimes.  I am not a person that has gone out much in the past two months and yet, I have a world to talk about.  i always find something to say about anythign during a conversation, even if its just a tiny little something.

Some people however are just not that gifted so they need some space between conversations to have enough to say to justify a chat.  Oh well.  I was beginning to think of myself yet again as just someone wo is overly nagging, I was almost thinking  of changing my display name to "Ms. Naggy Nag".  However, I have been talking to a few adults that say that some people like me just need constant communication, and that it was normal.

Then I figured, it seemed abnormal for me since I have not found my coversation soul mate yet.  I will soon hopefully :D

11:46 PM

Sunday, September 3, 2006

Life would be so simple if only...

Current Mood: Depressed

The parttern of feelings is correctly guessed.  Now I do feel like dying, like clock work they happen.

Last night I left with a saying "...life would be so simple if only..."

To be what I want to be I have alot of ground to cover, for instance, I need a hobbie, a social life, a job, a daily activity, in short stuff to kill time with, and other things rather than concentrate all my free time in nothing and expect my potential other half, to be there for me 24-7.

I also need to learn to swallow, pain, insults, and opinions that are less than perfect.

I need to become a fly on the wall, danm that is so hard to do.

I need to become responsible to even dream of having kids.  Yup none of that is ever gonna happen, because I am too set in my way of being.

Life would be so different if only I was not so danm hard to put up with, or if I didn't have to be put up with at all.

It would be so different if only I would not be who I am, I tend to destroy anything is a wonder my last relationship lasted so long.

Everything would be so different if I was not me at all.

I used to think I could rule the world, that I could change someone's life for the better, but .... yeah somewhere along the lines I stopped dreaming, I woke up to reality, and now I stopped hopping that those dreams of being a mother, a wife, a friend, a lover; someone's everything will not come true.

Yes.. all you that read this probably sence the deep depression, that I find my self in, where everyday is the same and every night I pray for my end... and in the morning like a laughter from hell I awake.

We don't live forever, so "everyday is one less".  Anne Frank said that while in a concentration camp.  I say that now.

8:47 PM

Sunday, September 3, 2006

I suck...

Current Mood: Crushed

I was thinking all night about what to say, other than to convince the world I am the worst person they will ever know.

Sometimes we think back in all that we have done in the past, somtimes we just concentrate in one face of life and other times we think in general, and when it comes to love or being in a relationship, I really really suck.

I am not putting myself down no sir, I am just speaking truthfully.

Just so you can see what I mean, here goes a good example of that, when I start dating  or talking to a potential boyfriend, I am always the one to fall head over heels and fast and the first to do so as well.

The conflict when that happens is that I expect my guy to fall for me at the same speed and tell me how much he loves me and all those thigns women who are in love drool to hear.

When I finally guilt trip those words out of a guy, then I demand to be his girlfriend and after a few years his fiancee and finally his wife, in the middle I want romance like in the movies (boy how wrong I am).  I want passion, I want a gentleman a man, a friend.

In the middle of it all I become very needy, of his time his attentions and everything, to the point that other freinds of his or mine usually have the nerve to point it out, and should he agree there goes a reason for arguing, even though I know they are so right.

I become hysterical about nothing, and break up with him more times than can be counted, and if he is allergic to romance, and getting married or having kids forget it it will hang over his head like a maggot to a corpse.

i am unforgiving and mostly end up hated by everyone.

I know the remedy is to change but like I been told I have no hobbies no job no things to kill my time with.  Basically no life, so I have to breath down someone's neck every once in a while.

I know this is the part where I say life would be so simple if only...

But I will save that because I really have become practically and now it probably is that I am in a I don't care mode,

But as is with matters of the heart first you yell and scream, then don't care and then you lose hope and cry your eyes out, finally you wish to die, and some people actually do.

I wish I were, but I have very high value for my something or other, that prevents me from doing something stupid like that.

So when all this passes, it will be late to cure anything as I am sure, I am hated.

Oh well what else is new.

2:03 AM

Saturday, September 2, 2006

The Real Me

Current Mood: Crushed

I guess it come time for all of you to know the real me... Yes people I am pretty on the outside and yes, I have heard that a whole lot during the past 6 years of my life.  Before then I was a total Steve Urkel

Just so is no surpirse to any of you I am a total pain in the ass, I am hell to live with, and no I don't plan on changing ever.

Like anyone who has ever gone from ungly to beautiful I am you can say superficial.  So just think up the worst things you can, and that is probably me.  Not ashamed to say it at all.

Honesty in life is key, so there if anyone who reads this feels like blocking me then go right ahead I don't feel the least bit bad. :D

Some of you might be shocked by this post, but you know, this is based on something that happened today and maybe I did not translated correctly but it is also do that it came out making me feel crappy.

I did not disagree with what they claim to be true, but like I told my sister when she insulted certain very private matters about me, just because its true it don't mean it didn't burn.

2:55 PM

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Nobody Knows It...

I been very depressed lately, I been wanting to talk to someone so bad.  But I guess writting it down its what it boils down to.

I try so hard to understand that people are busy and have things to do, but what do I tell my feelings?  How do I put them on hold, to wait for a patient ear, for a patient heart, for a patient someone.

I am falling apart, and no one knows it but me.  Today I had to bury my cat, I had to pick it up and bury it.  It was a new born maybe three weeks old.  I fed it until he died or she died this morning.  I miss my cat so much.

Life is so fragile, this seems to be my dark week, last year this week was even worse, my pain was greater

I want to cry so hard, scream and let everyone know how I feel, but its so difficult everyone around me has life to go to, they have their own concerns and things to do on a day to day basis.  Their own batch of troubles to deal with.  I am just another person in a world of millions dessapearing with every second.  Slowly becoming nothing while others just go on

We are just shadows of our dreams, we come into this world alone, and some of us live and leave the same way.

You could be sorrounded by people and emptynness never leaves your side.

9:39 PM

Saturday, July 30, 2006

My Dreams

Is one of those nights that has envelped me, when I think too little or too much.  Lately I have been consumed with the feeling of inpending doom, and you know is been quite sometime since it has felt like that.

One must never be negative, or so I have heard, I want to think the best of it all, but some how in the back of my mind something bothers me.  I don't know what it is. It feals like fear of loss.

I have been thinking like I have done on other occassions where will I be when I turn twenty-five?  Does that sound familiar to you?  Those words are in a song, that premiered the year I graduated high school.

Those were the days when I was so glad, I had made my dream come true, gosh I worked so hard, with english as a second language (yes believe it or not is not my first), I struggled in school so much, that when I finally graduated I felt like I was floating on a cloud.

Now six years later, I see how far from my dreams I have strayed, I wanted to be a lawyer, a criminal layer, and defend all those people who need it.

I wanted to be married by twenty-five, (LOL, good thing we can go, and tell ourselves what dreams won't come true)

But I still hold fast to the dream that I will always have had, to positively impact the live of one person before I die. (and why not, know I have also).

Although we all know the greatest deeds are done in secret, I would like to know any good ones of mine.  Is no doubt I wanted to change the world, and make it beautiful.

Why not still, I dream I can. I will rain check that one, in another half century.

In the mean time, welcome nights into mornings like this one, where tapping a keyboard is all that is left of the day.

4:02 AM